


The Aftermath of Survival

by Pye



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 14:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pye/pseuds/Pye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McCoy and Jim get to talk properly for the first time since Jim recovered. [STID SPOILERS]</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Aftermath of Survival

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a deleted scene of sorts from a much longer fic I'm working on, and then kind of became its own beast. As usual this is unbeta'd, all mistakes are my own, etc. I don't know why I keep writing angst.

"How could you be so _stupid_ _?_ " McCoy knows he's being an asshole, but he can't stop it now that he's started, all of the pent up emotion since he'd seen Jim laying sightless and still behind the glass of the reactor escaping in a rush of ill-placed anger. "You could have- you _did_ die! What if I hadn't been able to bring you back?!"

Jim reaches out to him and McCoy wrenches his arm away, trying to ignore the hurt on Jim's face as he continues, backing up like a nervous animal and starting a little as he hits the wall before he expects it. "What if you were just dead right now in the fucking morgue, you complete _fucking foolhardy **idiot**!_ "  
  
Jim recoils like he's been slapped, looks like he's caught between wanting to bolt and wanting to touch, but instead seems to shrink where he stands under McCoy's furious gaze. "Bones..."  
  
"Then you woke up and looked at Spock like he was God's gift to the fucking universe," he growls bitterly, and wants to add _why did you ask for him and not me when you were dying_ , but then he sees Jim's stricken face and can't say it, already feels like the worst person in the world as his stomach decides to take up residence somewhere around his shoes. He closes his eyes and there's a split second image behind his eyelids where he sees Jim comatose in the biobed in medbay, and the rage starts to crumble just as quickly as it built up.  
  
"I don't care if the whole damn ship was about to go down, if I hadn't- if that tribble hadn't-" All the fight whooshes out of him and he slumps down against the wall, unable to finish the sentence. "I couldn't live in a world without you in it," he whispers, and Jim drops to his knees beside him, wraps an arm around him and gently tugs so the top of his head is brushing Jim's cheek.  
  
McCoy curls into him and shifts so he can clutch at the edges of Jim's collar and pull him impossibly closer. Tears spill down his cheeks and soak into Jim's jacket and all he wants to do is say he's sorry for yelling and being a jealous asshole, but he can't get himself to speak past the lump in his throat. They're quiet for a minute, McCoy shuddering with the force of the sobs that wrack through him, Jim staying silent and thoughtful and feeling more like home than McCoy wants to admit.  
  
"I'm the Captain, you know it's my job to make sacrifices for my crew," Jim finally says, gentle voice wavering slightly and McCoy hiccoughs through a pathetic whine of protest, shakes his head like he's a little kid and not a grown man pushing forty. Jim tightens his grip on McCoy, readjusts himself so he's sitting on the floor and hauls McCoy into his lap. "If there's something I can do to save your lives, I'll do it. Even if I lose mine."  
  
McCoy looks up at him and manages to drag himself into a sitting position, looking at Jim through a blurry film of tears and shaking his head again, less fervently this time. He's being selfish, so fucking selfish, Jim's the one that had only just recovered from being _dead._ If anything, it should be McCoy comforting Jim, not the other way around.  
  
"That's what I do, and I do it proudly," Jim pauses, blinking back tears of his own and clearing his throat before he can continue. "I couldn't live in a world where you were dead because of me. And I couldn't die knowing I could have done something to save you."  
  
McCoy inhales shakily, Jim's right, he's always fucking right about these things. He nuzzles into Jim's neck in apology, breathing in the scent of aftershave and sweat. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry. You don't deserve this, I was just... I couldn't deal. I've been going crazy with all of these things banging around in my head and nobody to talk to about them." He huffs a sardonic laugh and pulls back to stare down at his hands.  
  
Jim sighs and cards his fingers through McCoy's hair, and he has to resist the urge to make an extremely humiliating noise because wow, that feels way too good. "I can't say I wouldn't react the same if I were you."  
  
McCoy smiles wanly at that, starts mouthing at Jim's neck absently and only realizes he's doing it when he feels him stir under his touch, hears a breathy gasp somewhere above him.  
  
"So you got jealous because I looked at Spock first and not you?" There's the barest hint of amusement there and McCoy flushes, squirming uncomfortably. There's a whole bag of worms he wishes he hadn't brought up and _really_ doesn't want to talk about, except he kind of really does at the same time.  
  
"It's stupid, I know," he mutters, slanting his eyes away in embarrassment.  
  
"Adorable," Jim corrects him with a tentative grin that doesn't quite reach his eyes. McCoy is desperate to find out when exactly Spock and Jim made the leap from good friends to something more, something so much closer than he wants to think about, and it eats at him like nothing else ever has.  
  
McCoy takes a deep breath, scoots up to face Jim and then he's drowning in sky blue and forgets why he's so upset when he's got him here safe and alive (well, as safe as you can be in a flying tin can out in uncharted space), and he'll be damned if he doesn't sit back and enjoy what he's got. He relaxes into him as the tears finally ebb, and he's still freaking out inside just a little, he always will be so long as Jim's still the Captain of the Enterprise and they're not down in Georgia sipping sweet tea on McCoy's porch.  
  
"Love you," he whispers, and it doesn't sound like enough, never sounds like enough to describe what he feels for Jim.  
  
Jim breaks into a genuine, sunny smile and he hugs McCoy, burying his face in his neck and holding on like a lifeline.  
  
"Love you too."


End file.
